It's my brother's birthday again, the day each year when I marvel at what age he would be if he hadn't died — nearly 16 years ago now — from a fall while hiking in the Colorado mountains, and I deeply wish he were here so we could celebrate in person. Nevertheless, I always like... Continue Reading →
When the holidays are approaching and festivities are being planned, for families who have lost a member — which is a lot of us — we often think of the empty seat. Where a beloved person once joined in, a place is now vacant. In my case, it’s specifically the empty daybed at the edge... Continue Reading →
Today is Día de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead, which I've written about before because I find it so beautiful and moving, and — dare I say — refreshingly normal and healthy? I love that a culture makes a point to acknowledge death, especially in the celebratory way that those Mexico and elsewhere... Continue Reading →
A decade ago, when my then-husband and I were looking for a bigger house in our area, we continually perused a neighborhood about 10 minutes away, specifically one long street lined with 100-plus year old Victorians in various states of repair and disrepair divided by a dreamy esplanade full of maples and crab apple trees.... Continue Reading →
A couple of days ago, one of the many grief-y Instagram accounts I follow posted: “Death anniversary. The shittiest of all anniversaries.” And I went, “well, duh.” Seeing on it the day before the 15th anniversary of my brother David's death, I was especially unimpressed with its lack of profundity. But it offered an important... Continue Reading →
Me and David on his birthday in 1977 or 1978, I think... Every year on this day, I celebrate the fact my big brother was born. And I mourn the fact that he isn't growing any older, since he died almost 15 years ago. Today, David would have turned 62. Sixty-two! An age that, when... Continue Reading →
Sometimes it feels like everything that ever happened to me has compounded. As if the addition of all my life's wins and losses doesn't balance out; instead, it is more than its sum. And that this journey is one gigantic emotional roller coaster of highs and low. Grief can loom larger, and more dramatically. There... Continue Reading →
You know it’s been a long time when you think it is the 15th anniversary of a death and then realize, counting backwards, that it's actually the 14th, and your brain has done bad math again. It might as well be the 100th, it feels so long. Or the first, all over again, because there's... Continue Reading →
“It's hard to imagine Anne without Trixie,” my friend Karen said on Friday when I had to say goodbye to my beloved 15-year-old dog. It's hard for me to imagine me without Trixie either, because we were so connected, nearly inseparable, for the past 14 years. I feel a kind of naked I've never known... Continue Reading →
“The only thing that is constant is change,” wrote the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus. This is true, yet often hard to accept. Seasons are one thing — the trees budding out or covered in snow; those things are predictable, at least, and cyclical. The unpredictable, non-cyclical events are hard to plan around. And hard to... Continue Reading →
True Scrawl 